(Gentle readers, I wrote this about ten days ago and I am finally prepared to put it on the blog. Sickness, Matty Ha! Ha!'s Magical Mystery Tour to NOLA, and some enhanced job responsibilities have curtailed my writing but fear no more. I have returned like Brian Piccolo. (Actually, he died.) I have returned to syndicated television like Don Cornelius. (Uh, he recently passed away.) I have returned like Newt Gingrich to take back Florida from the hands of moderates. (Psst … he lost to screw the poor Romney.)
Well … read on. And is there something going down in Indianapolis on Sunday? I am going to a Super Bowl party at Schneider's, where I plan to meet up with saucy divorcee Ann Romano and her teenage daughers Julie and Barbara.)
I made a pledge well over a month ago to be more relentless with my writing, and that sort of fell through the cracks, but my intentions were sincere. Since I last wrote, Sheridan’s strange and sordid life has gone through a few changes.
I am now a supervisor at work, which is sort of hilarious, considering that twice I have been forced to break into houses where I was dog sitting. Each time I misplaced the keys. Misplaced is a joke of a word. I lost the keys to both houses. I did not misplace the keys.
I believe Cornwallis’s set of keys ended up at the bottom of a doggie doo-doo bag, and the other set of keys were a result of me having a morning vision of losing my brother’s house keys. The vision proved to be prophetic.
I recently returned from Matty Ha! Ha!’s Magical Mystery Tour, which resulted in the two of us recreating that seminal 70s television show, BJ and the Bear starring Greg Evigan and some anonymous chimpanzee whose name I cannot find on imdb.com. Did you know that the chimp’s character was named for Roll Tide Roll’s Bear Bryant?
A gem from Wikipedia: In 1981, when the show returned from hiatus, B.J. had settled down to run Bear Enterprises, a trucking company based in Los Angeles. His nemesis was Rutherford T. Grant (Murray Hamilton), the corrupt head of the state's Special Crimes Action Team, who was a silent partner in a competing trucking company. Because of Grant's harassment, B.J. was unable to hire experienced truckers, and he was forced to hire several beautiful young female truckers, including Grant's daughter Cindy (Sherilyn Wolter), and another busty blonde nicknamed “Stacks” (Judy Landers).
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I had no recollection of the thespian, Judy Landers, but this photo unequivocally jogged masturbatory fantasies from 1981. (Hubba! Hubba!)
“Stacks” reinforces the notion that 70s’ tv writers were a diverse group of forward thinkers. Did a writers’ meeting consist of heading out to a Hollywood Boulevard strip club for some advanced character research?
The Matty Ha! Ha! Magical Mystery Tour, which also had elements of Burt Reynolds and Dom DeLuise’s Captain Chaos in Cannonball Run, consisted of us driving from the outskirts of Boston, Massachusetts to New Orleans, Louisiana. We thought it would be best to perform most of the drive in a twenty-four period. After driving from 5:00 pm to approximately 6:00 am, we cried “Uncle” and Matty Ha! Ha! took a long-haul trucker’s quick snooze at the wheel without the assistance of a sleep-inducing hand job from a lot lizard.
Burt & Captain Chaos
UrbanDictionary.com’s readers/intelligent commentariat provide three definitions for a lot lizard:
1. A truck stop WHore
A female who sales her body by going from truck to truck at Truck Stops usually selling pussy or blowjobs what ever the truck driver can afford.
2. A trucker's term for a prostitute that works truck stops.
“That TA is loaded with lot lizards”
3. A whore who goes from truck to truck like a lizard who goes from rock to rock.
[Editor’s Note: I have not altered the grammar, punctuation or spelling of UrbanDictionary.com’s misogynistic contributors.]
I had already succumbed to the effects of piloting our seventeen-foot piece of shit leaking U-Haul truck with a car trailer attached to the rear, exhausting my Fandango alter ego, Gardner Barnes, as my split personality made the bitch ride nice from Bedminster, New Jersey to the Virginia-Tennessee border from approximately 10:00 pm to 5:00 am.
Kevin Costner's Gardner Barnes In Search of Dom
We stopped for lunch in Tuscaloosa, Alabama, at a shade after noon, where we savored fantastically good char-grilled burgers, fries and fried green tomatoes at Rama Jama’s on the day of the national championship game between Alabama and LSU. Rama Jama’s burgers are otherworldly, but this is a shrine to Alabama football. Roll Tide Roll mementoes, photos, helmets and buxom pictures of “Stacks”-like cheerleaders adorn the walls.
After Matty Ha! Ha!’s Magical Mystery Tour ended with nearly a week’s worth of New Orleans voodoo, I flew back to Boston to witness the fourth quarter of the Giants’ epic upset of Aaron Rodgers’ Green Bay Packers, and then I took in the Camper Van Beethoven/Cracker show at the Middle East courtesy of a free ticket from Disco Danny.
Getting to sleep somewhere after 1:00 am, I then woke up at 6:30 am to make it to work for 8:00 am, where I “supervised” until 11:00 pm on MLK Day. I believe that I have discovered a multitude of reasons why I have not been able to shake this cold/flu bug that initially bedeviled me on December 28th.
Expect some good posts in the future, and I will not be writing a self-help tome on taking care of all aspects of your physical heath. Bartender, hit me with another taste of Chartreuse.